Start drive time: 10:08 AM CST
End drive time: 3:40 PM EST
Pit stops: South Side of Chicago
Miles driven today: 256
Total miles driven this trip: 2,852
Number of toll roads: unnecessary
Chicago drivers are notoriously crazy. Somebody zoomed by me weaving in and out of a heavily congested highway at about 90 miles per hour and did not die and I have no idea how that happened. I feel like magic was involved. Chicago pedestrians are maybe a little bit crazier. They're all like "Oh hey, what's up? Don't mind me bro, I gotta just saunter across eight lanes of traffic right now. Yeah, I'm in no hurry. You're going 30 mph? That's cool. I'm going, like, 1.7, maybe 2 miles tops. Naw, my body's not wrapped in metal or airbags like yours is. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Crosswalks are not really my thing."
Guys, I'm road-weary. I'm blog-weary. Blogging is harrrrrrrrd. Fortunately, we're in the home stretch. We're in the great state of Michigan. And because I forgot to take any pictures yesterday, I'm going to get cheesy enough on you to make you cringe and paint you a picture with my words. We shall begin with a passage from the Encyclopedia Amyricana on my home state:
Notes on trees:
They're the right height here.
(Author's note: We have now reached the point in my journey where CARville gets to take a little break and I get to resist the temptation to make super lame jokes about airplanes. I am currently at DTW writing this post on my phone because I travel wayyyyyy light and am taking a few days away from my computer. I most likely will not be blogging in New York, but who knows? Anyway, let's all give a round of applause to the heroic efforts of James CARville, who is still doing just great and who got me everywhere I needed to be in the time I needed him to get me there. Unlike the airplane I'm looking at, which is currently running about three hours behind schedule.)
End drive time: 3:40 PM EST
Pit stops: South Side of Chicago
Miles driven today: 256
Total miles driven this trip: 2,852
Number of toll roads: unnecessary
Chicago drivers are notoriously crazy. Somebody zoomed by me weaving in and out of a heavily congested highway at about 90 miles per hour and did not die and I have no idea how that happened. I feel like magic was involved. Chicago pedestrians are maybe a little bit crazier. They're all like "Oh hey, what's up? Don't mind me bro, I gotta just saunter across eight lanes of traffic right now. Yeah, I'm in no hurry. You're going 30 mph? That's cool. I'm going, like, 1.7, maybe 2 miles tops. Naw, my body's not wrapped in metal or airbags like yours is. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Crosswalks are not really my thing."
 |
| So I was pretty glad that I only had to not commit manslaughter for about 15 miles or so |
Population: 9,883,360
Population when I'm not there: 9,883,359
Birthday: January 26, 1837
Astrological sign: Aquarius
Capital: Trenary
Geography: 2 Penisulas. Count them. Two. The Lower Peninsula is shaped like a mitten because it's prepared to slap you if you leave the Upper Peninsula off the map or try to give it to Wisconsin. Seriously, dudes. Cut that crap out. We also have a million lakes.
Climate: Seasons: collect the whole set. Sometimes it's -40F and 104F in the same week
Precipitation: Average of 623 feet of snow for nine months out of the year
Popular attractions: Mackinaw Bridge, Mackinac Island, Isle Royale, The Mystery Spot, Sleeping Bear Dunes...pretty much everywhere in Michigan is a postcard
Demographics: 99.98% steely-eyed bastards, 1% Kid Rock
State nickname: The Land of More Lakes Than Minnesota Plus 4/5 of The Great Lakes
State food: Better Made chips
State motto: All your lakes are belong to us
(Author's note: I understand that my primary readership hails from the UP. DON'T WORRY, BUDDIES, I GOT YOUR BACKS AND I'M GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING BETTER THAN JIM HARRISON but we're going to use today's post to focus on the Lower Peninsula)
Notes on automobiles:
The automobile (referred to in common parlance as a "car," "wheels," or "sweet ride") was invented in Lansing in 1902 by Ransom E. Olds (Side note: False reports of German engineers inventing the automobile in the 1800s continue to plague history books. This misinformation stems from a really quite embarrassing attempt by Karl Benz to take credit for ideas stolen during his first foray into simultaneous time/space travel. I mean, really Karl, when you can invent a FREAKING TIME MACHINE and travel 40 years into the future to take ideas and blueprints back to the 19th Century, why not just take credit for inventing something that defies the laws of physics and is arguably much more important than a stupid car? YOU INVENTED A TIME MACHINE. Do you know how much cooler that is? Germans are soooo weird). Cars are used today to transport individuals across short distances. They are most effective when used to travel one mile or less, particularly in areas of high car density where parking is limited and expensive. Cars drink the blood of dinosaurs for sustenance. They can be highly dangerous predators and have been known to eat entire families, only to regurgitate them shortly afterwards. Some cars hibernate during the winter, particularly in a stretch of the United States referred to as "The Rust Belt," where many cars suffer from a genetic debilitating allergy to the salt emitted spontaneously as a defense mechanism by frightened roads. Cars reproduce asexually once per year to give birth to a litter of motorcycles, which do not grow the two additional wheels of a fully mature car until its third year.
Notes on cereal:
Cereal originates from Battle Creek, Michigan, and has been the popular in the state since February 19, 1906. It was invented by Keith Kellogg in collaboration with his brothers Tony "The Tiger" Kellogg and "Toucan" Sam Kellogg. Although cereal has its roots in Seventh-Day Adventist teachings, which argued that the sins of the flesh could be tempered by a breakfast of bland, cardboard-like toasted oats, the effects of cereal have made it a favorite among counterculture degenerates. Cereal parties in underground speakeasies referred to as "breakfast joints" have been known to break into lupercalian orgies known for their wild and often dangerous abandon. Cereal paraphernalia has been outlawed since 1982 but traffickers continue smuggle black market spoons, bowls, and milk into the state. Children can become easily addicted to cereal, so parents are advised to watch carefully for signs of snapping, crackling, or popping.
Astrological sign: Aquarius
Capital: Trenary
Geography: 2 Penisulas. Count them. Two. The Lower Peninsula is shaped like a mitten because it's prepared to slap you if you leave the Upper Peninsula off the map or try to give it to Wisconsin. Seriously, dudes. Cut that crap out. We also have a million lakes.
Climate: Seasons: collect the whole set. Sometimes it's -40F and 104F in the same week
Precipitation: Average of 623 feet of snow for nine months out of the year
Popular attractions: Mackinaw Bridge, Mackinac Island, Isle Royale, The Mystery Spot, Sleeping Bear Dunes...pretty much everywhere in Michigan is a postcard
Demographics: 99.98% steely-eyed bastards, 1% Kid Rock
State nickname: The Land of More Lakes Than Minnesota Plus 4/5 of The Great Lakes
State food: Better Made chips
State motto: All your lakes are belong to us
(Author's note: I understand that my primary readership hails from the UP. DON'T WORRY, BUDDIES, I GOT YOUR BACKS AND I'M GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING BETTER THAN JIM HARRISON but we're going to use today's post to focus on the Lower Peninsula)
Notes on automobiles:
The automobile (referred to in common parlance as a "car," "wheels," or "sweet ride") was invented in Lansing in 1902 by Ransom E. Olds (Side note: False reports of German engineers inventing the automobile in the 1800s continue to plague history books. This misinformation stems from a really quite embarrassing attempt by Karl Benz to take credit for ideas stolen during his first foray into simultaneous time/space travel. I mean, really Karl, when you can invent a FREAKING TIME MACHINE and travel 40 years into the future to take ideas and blueprints back to the 19th Century, why not just take credit for inventing something that defies the laws of physics and is arguably much more important than a stupid car? YOU INVENTED A TIME MACHINE. Do you know how much cooler that is? Germans are soooo weird). Cars are used today to transport individuals across short distances. They are most effective when used to travel one mile or less, particularly in areas of high car density where parking is limited and expensive. Cars drink the blood of dinosaurs for sustenance. They can be highly dangerous predators and have been known to eat entire families, only to regurgitate them shortly afterwards. Some cars hibernate during the winter, particularly in a stretch of the United States referred to as "The Rust Belt," where many cars suffer from a genetic debilitating allergy to the salt emitted spontaneously as a defense mechanism by frightened roads. Cars reproduce asexually once per year to give birth to a litter of motorcycles, which do not grow the two additional wheels of a fully mature car until its third year.
Notes on cereal:
Cereal originates from Battle Creek, Michigan, and has been the popular in the state since February 19, 1906. It was invented by Keith Kellogg in collaboration with his brothers Tony "The Tiger" Kellogg and "Toucan" Sam Kellogg. Although cereal has its roots in Seventh-Day Adventist teachings, which argued that the sins of the flesh could be tempered by a breakfast of bland, cardboard-like toasted oats, the effects of cereal have made it a favorite among counterculture degenerates. Cereal parties in underground speakeasies referred to as "breakfast joints" have been known to break into lupercalian orgies known for their wild and often dangerous abandon. Cereal paraphernalia has been outlawed since 1982 but traffickers continue smuggle black market spoons, bowls, and milk into the state. Children can become easily addicted to cereal, so parents are advised to watch carefully for signs of snapping, crackling, or popping.
Notes on trees:
They're the right height here.
(Author's note: We have now reached the point in my journey where CARville gets to take a little break and I get to resist the temptation to make super lame jokes about airplanes. I am currently at DTW writing this post on my phone because I travel wayyyyyy light and am taking a few days away from my computer. I most likely will not be blogging in New York, but who knows? Anyway, let's all give a round of applause to the heroic efforts of James CARville, who is still doing just great and who got me everywhere I needed to be in the time I needed him to get me there. Unlike the airplane I'm looking at, which is currently running about three hours behind schedule.)
I feel like those fearless Chicagoan non-crosswalk-crossing pedestrians also show up here in Lake City or Cap Hill...the sauntering while refusing to even look at ongoing traffic obeying speed laws is a fascinating example of what I am sure is brain damage.
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