Point D: Boulder

Start drive time: 10:19 AM MST
End drive time: 10:32 PM MST
Pit stops: Willard, Evanston, Rock Springs, Laramie 
Miles driven today: 543
Miles driven through snow storms today: 543
Total miles this trip: 1,419

There was something different about the world when I woke up this morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, let there be snow!

Although I am a seasoned veteran of nine-month long winters in an area of the United States that averages approximately 30 feet of precipitation per year, I suffer from chronic seasonal amnesia. This malady manifests in forgetting that any other seasons actually exist until they hit you in the face with "AHHHHHH! Why is so much snot coming out of my face?" (Spring), "Holy balls, I'm sweaty" (Summer), "Oh thank god I'm not sweating anymore" (Fall), and "It was the winter of our discontent...and it will not end until June."

Seattle's seasons are much less defined and last year's winter was the first I had ever experienced without snow. So I kind of forgot that it happened in reality to people and was not just a cold, bright dream.

Fortunately, I remembered that theoretically, I might need a down jacket, mittens and an ice scraper for my car, so we were off to a good start.

For residents of Seattle: this is what rain looks like when it's cold

I also remembered that you pump the breaks. No matter what. Pump. The. Breaks.

Drivers who grew up in warmer, drier climates don't know how to pump the breaks. Here are some rookie mistakes that make me have mini aneurysms while I'm driving (which is dangerous for everyone):

1. Driving 30 mph below the speed limit - plenty of people today were driving wayyyyy below the speed limit. Dudes, it's OKAY. It's snow. Yes, it's a little slippery. But steer straight and always be pumpin' and you're gonna make it through. 

2. Driving 30 mph above the speed limit - obviously you have no regard for human life and want to die. Just don't make me die too. 

3. Tailgating - not only can you not see anything because the driver ahead of you is creating a wake of mini-blizzards that will make visibility next to impossible, but you can't break as quickly as you can when it's not snowy, even if you be big pumpin' so just back way the eff off.

4. Over-steering - you don't even have to turn the wheel when you're on a straight, slick road - just think the direction you want to go because telekinesis works during winter and your car will move in that direction.

5. Doing anything other than vigilantly driving - I know McRibs are back right now, but you're going to have to pull over when you eat that thing. 

Because I am a Yooper, I generally don't die when I have to drive in snowy weather. It snowed like three inches today, which was a big deal to everyone in Wyoming but is just Tuesday in the UP. However, it snowed ALL. DAY. LONG. which meant that my theoretically 7 hour trip took much, much longer. I'm not going to brag about my driving skillz because the last time I said "I got mad skillz" while doing something impressive in motion, I fell face-first off my bike with half of my cardigan still on. What I will assure you is that CARville and I are totally fine and at no point during my trip through Wyoming today did I exceed 87 miles per hour. 

This was in the middle of NOWHERE. What is there to guard?

Of note today:

I saw two semi-trucks tipped over on their sides and many more in ditches

Being behind giant snowplows that look like snow-spitting disco death machines is much more terrifying than driving on unplowed roads

Even though I'm not a Catholic, I crossed myself enough times today to bruise my forehead, chest, and both shoulders

None of the three craft stores I went to had mastodon bone beads - what is up with that?

I also was able to stop to see my hometown homegurrrrrl Marie in Laramie and wanted to share this lovely gem in the building where she works: 

This is a typical wedding dress in Wyoming

And I discovered from this handy chart that I am, in fact, drinking enough fluids:

Which is remarkable, because my blood stream consists of at least 37% caffeine at any given time

There becomes a point in which you've been driving through a storm for eight hours and your hands fuse to the steering wheel and you become one with the car and it's just you and CARville together in this fight alone. The wind is whipping at you and the snow is pummeling your windshield, but CARville keeps rolling along and serenading you with "Knights of Cydonia" and you two are going to MAKE IT.

Oh my god, Becky. Look at that girl's plow. It is so big.

She looks like some kind of zamboni driver's girlfriend or something.

You know they're only talking to her because looks like a total snow shovel on wheels.

I like big plows and I cannot lie.

You other drivers can't deny

That when a truck rolls in to this itty bitty space

With a big scoop in your face

You get sprung

Want to pull out of this...snow bank.

That's all I got. Lady Bro is making me breakfast. Stop. It's Boulder time.

(Author's aside: Tomorrow's post is likely going to be late because I will have a giant mega drive followed by another big day, so don't fret. I'm probably not dead or illiterate yet.)

UPDATE:

Ahhhhh crap. I knew I was forgetting something.